


Man vs Kwami

by SakuraMarie



Series: Stupidity: Nonsensical Tales of the Citizens of Paris [1]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Crack, Everyone is older, Gabriel needs to speak clearly, Gabriel rage, Gabriel wants to chuck his phone out a window, Hawk Moth is Gabriel Agreste, Plagg Is a Troll, Poor mortified Adrien, Pre Season 3, Self-Indulgent, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-11-01 13:42:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20816099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakuraMarie/pseuds/SakuraMarie
Summary: Plagg learned how to mess with Siri. He should use this knowledge wisely... but where is the fun in that?





	1. Chapter 1

Gabriel Agreste would like to tell people he was not a vain man, there was no need to be vain. His work spoke for itself. 

He didn't NEED to look for himself on the internet. He didn't need to google himself online to see what people said about him. If something that would hurt his brand was said, well he had Nathalie to come and fix it. He paid people to obsessively google his name every few hours .... on a slow day. 

Hawkmoth on the other hand ..... that was a different story . 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Siiri's robotic voice took a minute to respond but when she did, it was not the answer Gabriel Agreste wanted . 

Did you mean Hawkbutt ?

Gabriel twitched, HAWKBUTT ?! of all the undignified monikers he could be given... It was Hawkbutt?! Who gave him that name? He will akumatise them and make them hideous!" 

Siri’s lack of awareness or ability to tell others about his undignified behavior drew his ire. He calmly and clearly enunciated his words so she had no reasonable way to mess up.

" No Siri, I want information on Hawk Moth. " He made sure to saw the words slowly and spaced out all words, just for her

"Ok!" her cheery robotic voice answered back "Now searching for websites that sell moth balls" 

Gabriel was aghast " No! Siri Hawkmoth! I want Hawkmoth!" 

" Looking for Hot Mamas on Craiglist France" 

Gabriel sputtered with a rather small but undignified shriek "What?! Absolutely not! I would never look on such a dreadful page! I am a married man!" He quickly clicked out of the questionable site and cleared his history, one must never know about this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Plagg cackled, Gabriel's rage and frustration was delicious. 

Serves the old man right. He may not be able to do anything more than mess with his electronics but boy did he feel great. Adrien and Sugercube might try and take the "high road" but unluckily for Gabriel... he was neither of them. Now that Plagg learned how to reprogram Siri a bit he could cause a special brand of punishment to Gabriel Agreste. 

No one ever said he couldn't punish him... he just couldn't get caught. Which was simple enough

It was a bit odd how Gabriel seemed so focused on Hawkmoth though. Like who other than the heroes even wanted to know anything about him. 

Oh well it wasn't important at the moment. There was chaos to be had. 

Gabriel grumbles in an annoyed tone and in the most regal way he could stomps off to his bathroom. A long bath was in order. He activated the electric music system in the bathroom ready to listin to some relaxing classical music as he soaked. 

"How hard is it for Siri to look for Hawk Moth.... " he mumbles

"NOW PLAYING THE HUDSON HAWK SOUNDTRACK!" Siri blares extremely loud taking a couple years off his life 

"Dangit Siri!" He mumbles as he tells her to stop. Maybe he will not play music this shower after all. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Nooroo watched quietly as Gabriel monologues about defeating Ladybug and Chat Noir. He stopped when the "beep" of Siri "hearing him went off and her robotic voice merrily asked

"Did you mean HawkNoir?!:  
Gabriel is beyond confused and Nooroo just looked over his shoulder as his curiosity let him to click the first link on the page.

He regretted clicking the first link provided. 

Oh dear lord! Parisians were sick people. He was a married , and such a relationship is with the leather clad hero was sickening. He may have little morals but being inappropriate with a mere child was disgusting. People called him messed up but at least he wasn't the worst! He was only a domestic terrorist hellbent on bringing back his wife from a magical coma. Not so bad! 

He cleared his search again, his iPhone will never be clean again. When did Siri become so vulgar. 

He never heard the snickering of a chaotic Kwamii.  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


After Plagg had his fun for the day he went to Adrien's room again. Finally the little liar had left Adrien alone. Her constant calls and Adrien's attempts to be polite to her was a nuisance. Her voice was so whiney and annoying, that is why he left to harass Gabriel to bwgin with. He casually flew to his cheese stash and grabs a nice thick slice. He makes himself comfy

" Hey kid... I think your dad has a thing for Hawkbutt" he mentioned lazily as if he was stating the sky was blue.

Adrien turned so fast he fell out of char

"WHAT?!" 

Plagg stuffed the whole wedge into his mouth and swallowed. He still had a look of indifference but he was keenly aware of the panic coming from his charge. 

He wondered if he played his cards right.....

"Yea... he was obsessively searching for Hawkmoth ~" he emphasized the word obsessively and made that y pop. He watched on in amusement as he saw the color drain from the boys face. 

"Oh no... my dad... is an evil fanboy!" 

Plagg snorted " And what do we know about those? "

Adrien thought of his crazy fans and paled

"Plagg! I have to put an end to this affair!" 

He bolts out of the room. Plagg followed snickering 

" Here we go~" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


Adrien burst into his father study. Nathalie stopped her work, Gabriel looked annoyed at his son's intrusion. He had been talking to Arthur, Adrien's driver on some new things he wanted when it came to Adrien's care. 

Adrien took a deep breath and blurted "Father, I want you to know that I love and accept you for who you are. It’s okay that you’re Bi. But please for the love of God don’t date Hawkmoth! I’d be fine with having two dads, but please don’t make one of them a super villain"

The reaction was instant. 

Nathalie nearly dropped her tablet as Gorilla looked shocked for a second. 

Gabriel looked like he just stepped into the bad ending of a visual novel conversation. How could he say anything... WHERE DID ADRIEN EVEN COME UP WITH THE SUGGESTION ?! 

As Gabriel stood there internally screaming, Adrien ran out like the floor had opened up and the devil himself was after him.

Nathalie tried to recompose her self but the second she saw the unfiltered face of internally screaming Gabriel Agreste she tried so hard not to laugh. 

It wasn't professional of her to laugh, but the expression .... it was a thing of pure hilarity. 

Adrien's driver was lucky. He didn't need to be there after getting his orders and quickly power walked out of there.

Lucky man, he could laugh in peace.


	2. Plagg Strikes Again

Gabriel Agreste had a huge headache. 

“Try new technology” Natalie suggested, load of good it did him.

It only gave him a headache and emotional trauma. How could Siri be more incompetent than an enraged Akuma?!

He had disabled Siri once and for all so that she could never turn on again. He never wanted to hear her voice ever again. Tomorrow will be a better day for he will use normal keyboard to type things. Just like he had done since his first computer in the nineties.

Good, reliable and in control. Just as he liked it.

~~~~~~

Plagg couldn't sleep. He was too giddy from all of his mischief.

He wanted to do more, because the look on Gabriel's face was utterly worth it.

He flew to Adrien’s phone and the machine turned on. It temporarily blinded him, but he got used to it very quickly. He Googled "pranks you can do on a phone.” It was time for research and he was going to have a blast. A few hours later he had a battle plan. The first thing he needed was a nap. His Mischief could start in the morning.

"Ready or not Gabriel; here comes trouble.”

~~~~~~

Plagg groggily got himself up even earlier than Adrien. He was not a morning Kwami by any stretch of the imagination, but he needed to be for his plan to work. And if it scored his kitten a surprise free Sunday, well that'd be an added bonus. It was still dark and the house was deathly quiet. Plagg snuck into Gabriel's office or as Adrien called it ; Gabriel's fortress of Solitude.

There on the desk was the sleek computer with large double screens, and next to that on the charging dock was Gabriel's phone.

Plagg grinned as he turned on the phone and the computer.  
On the computer he disabled Gabriel's ad blocker. He only hoped that Gabriel would get some nice and loud ads. He also changed the curser to little annoying stars that followed the curser everywhere. It had the bonus effect to slow down the computer just a tiny but noticeable bit. Finally for his last trick he somehow got a hold of the infamous Bonzi Buddy. Bonzi was a purple Gorilla "virtual assistant" that shared jokes, talk, sing and forced you to visit sites Bonzi thought you would like. It had been wiped from the internet for many years but Plagg somehow found it and he was too pleased.

For his next trick, he went to Gabriel's phone. He reactivated Siri immediately. 

When he made sure everything was ready, he switched the languages on both devices. The phone's language was Polish and the Computer got Dutch. He wasn't going to make it easy for Gabriel at all. He dimmed both devices all the way down and shut them both off. He then snuck back to Adrien's room.

He got about an hour of rest before Nathalie woke up Adrien again for breakfast.

It's showtime. 

~~~~~~

Gabriel was up a bit before Adrien and had gone into his office, avoiding any parental duty he could possibly have. Nathalie could handle it. 

As he sat at his desk he noticed something odd. Why was his cellular device off? He never turned it off.

Odd.

Still he powered up both devices. 

He waited and waited.

He heard the gentle hum of the computer but nothing was turning on. It was annoying. He rubbed his temple. He had things to do today. If his devices would get with the program, that would be great.

As he lowered his head he noticed something. He squinted and got really close to his screen. He saw something that looked like his name.

Was that his log in screen? Why was it so dark?

He fiddled with the buttons on the front that controlled the monitor and it went back to normal.

He did not remember doing something so idiotic to his own computer.

He logged in as usual. 

What he found was NOT normal.

~~~~~~

Nathalie watched Adrien eat breakfast as he always did and was about to tell him of his daily schedule when an ungodly shriek reached the both of them. 

"NATHALIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM BEING HACKED!!!"

The two of them stared at each other in shock and ran to Gabriel's office. They came across utter chaos.

Siri's robotic voice was speaking in an unknown language.

They can hear in English, "Do you need a car but have bad credit?"

They can't see it directly but they can see flashes of color bouncing off the walls in rapid colors originating from the computer.

Gabriel's phone wasn't doing much better. Not only was Siri talking in an unknown language, but it was vibrating constantly.

Gabriel was beyond frazzled. He chucked his Phone at the wall in an attempt to make it stop, not seeming to realize that phones break when tossed at high velocity against a wall.

He was about ready to chuck his computer at the wall, when Nathalie snapped out of her stupor and stopped him.

"Sir, I can handle things." She assured him. 

"See that you do!"

He unceremoniously tried to leave the room. He tripped on thin air and caught himself against the desk. He looked like a complete mess.

Nathalie sighed, "Adrien please return to your room while I fix this. You are free till then.” 

Adrien could barely hear Nathalie over the sound of obnoxious online ads, but he nodded and left immediately, before Nathalie changed her mind.

Adrien heard some cackling nearby and looked up. Just out of view of the adults was his kwami eating his stinky cheese. 

"Well, that was fun!"

"That was you? ...How?" Adrien looked flabbergasted. 

"I have my ways, kid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Nathalie ends up sending the computer to professionals. Plagg totally hacked it and messed with it to a point where Nathalie gave up
> 
> R.I.P Gabriel's Phone. You will be missed

**Author's Note:**

> There is a bit TOO much salt in this fandom.
> 
> HERE TAKE SOME STUPID. It made me laugh anyway. Trust me ... I got more
> 
> Also i can't say I came up with some of my favorite bits. That was all Rosalind2013. My partner in crack crime and my beta


End file.
